July 13, 2020

Finding our feet - Normal in disguise

Finding our feetLast time I blogged we were just finding our feet with us both working from home and juggling childcare, that feels like a lifetime ago now and yet not much has changed. 

I’ve been practicing for social distancing my whole life, I do quite like being by myself, so to be honest the biggest thing I had to get used to was having people around allllll the time. I craved not having to talk to anyone for a day and having time to just sit with my own thoughts for a while.

Remember those positivity memes at the very start of lockdown? About how it was going to be a time of reflection, creativity, and enlightenment…. Yeah, I hated those! For those who found themselves, or learnt new skills and found the time to be a better person, well done you, but it wasn’t my reality.

I don’t know if was anyone’s reality, certainly not if you have young kids and/or a full time job. Some days it was enough to get to the end of the day without a full melt down – not from the toddler but from me! In fact it became a competition with my friend Sally on who lost their mind earliest in the day (I think 8.30am was our earliest if you can beat it?).

I did learn some new skills and I hope I can continue to develop those, I did slow down (as much as you can with a toddler), and yes I will cherish the time we have had as family together more than anything, it really was a gift… but I definitely wasn’t a better person!

Luckily my workshop is at home but it was difficult to find proper time to focus on being productive. With no support in childcare from the nursery or grandparents that we usually rely on it soon became impossible to keep the business open. 1 year olds and blow torches don’t mix!

Working with a toddler

I grew frustrated by the unknown, something I always struggle with. Discouraged by my lack of focus when I did get time in the workshop. And disheartened that I had had to close the business again after only recently returning from maternity leave. So in fact nothing like those memes after all.

So here we are, Boris is opening the doors of everything left right and centre, encouraging us to get out in to the world again, things are easing, we are able to see people we missed, and ‘normality in disguise’ is on the horizon…but I will be honest, I am excited and nervous in equal measures!

This quote by Bella Maccie hit me right in the truths and it made me feel a whole lot better about it all.

Bella Mackie Quote

Bella Mackie via Instagram 

So whilst my brain is going 100 mile and hour with - What should I do first? What is my big goal now I’m back? Why haven’t I got everything straight in my head yet, I’ve had months to plan??? And for the love of god why do I still not have that in stock yet! - My heart is very much saying “woah there, I’m not ready to go back to that madness.”

My anxiety has found a new routine to keep my head full of noise. The world was a scary place (still is for many), we had lots to worry about, care about, think about. And then we relaxed and things got calmer and easier, but something in my brain is telling me I need to have something to worry about - there’s a freaking pandemic still out there! So it picks the first thing to come to my mind and fixates on that, big, small, ridiculous, in fact the more ridiculous the better it seems some days.

Everything feels monumental right now doesn’t it? Whether it’s your choices or opinions on how to ease out of lockdown, the environment, the Black Lives Matter movement, it all feels like we need change, and if all this hasn’t made us change then really is there any hope?

Perhaps it’s just because we have forgotten how to interact with each other, or we have all had such very different experiences with Covid-19? It is really hard to fully understand how it has impacted peoples lives differently, and it will continue to effect us all differently for a long time yet. It just feels very heavy some days and I wont agree with everybody’s choices and opinions, but I will accept that people are making choices based on what they think is best for them, and I can hope they also consider the people around them, particularly those who don’t have the same luxury of choice.

So I am back and some days I am eager to hit the ground running and full of enthusiasm and creativity, but some days I just have to sit with those big feelings a while and trust that reflection, creativity, and enlightenment will come my way when I am ready for it.